The human


As carnivores, human diets comprise almost exclusively of meat.
There are, though, very rare occasions on which humans will resort to eating fruits, berries & grass.
Grass consumption is usually to aid in digestion.
Like all predators- In order to survive, it is of paramount importance that humans become accomplished hunters at a young age.

Little baby predator ain’t happy…

When hunting, the human has no reason to conceal itself behind shelving or end caps tall with surplus cans of food. They waddle close to their intended prey as it lays cold in the display cooler. The human will shuffle, loudly dragging their feet forward; stalking the prey, which is safe to say, being dead and all, is unaware of the humans proximity.

the hunter stalks…sizing up the prey

When the human is approximately 5 to 10 inches (around arm length) away from its victim, the human will reach out, grabbing at the prey in an unimpressive display of little to no power or any real agility.

human predator displays a) approach, (b) attack/grab, (c, d) capture hunting method…

Humans are able to purchase their prey from grocery stores that purchase the prey from processing plants, that purchase the prey from farmers, giving humans a huge advantage over any other non-human animal.

Humans bag up their victim(s), using their legs & arms to support the weight of the grocery bag(s) so that the prey doesn’t drop to the pavement.

Once they reach their vehicle in the parking lot, the human will place the bag(s) in the boot, or in the backseat. The human may or may not rummage through the bag(s) for a snack on the drive home. It is vital to the humans survival to stay well nourished especially after hunting.

It will then carry the bag(s) into their Home, ya know, a secluded spot in which it can enjoy devouring their prey in peace. What it does not finish, it will likely cover with Saran Wrap or place in Tupperware before refrigerating; returning to the leftovers later or the following day.

Interesting fact about the human- like all natural predators, the human, while out for a hunt, might notice an ex co-worker in the aisle next to theirs. The human will most often engage the other human for a much longer than brief chinwag. Typical predators, gossiping about other predators.

Humans impressive jaw– The force of the human bite in chewing is usually 70 lbs per square inch for the back molars; the force tapers off toward the front of the jaw, because of the shape of the lever being worked by the jaw muscles.

Hey there, little red riding hood…

[Exempt are human babies, born pink, helpless, hairless & toothless, and those with dentures, braces, veneers, dental implants, fixed bridges, removable partial dentures, crowns, etc…ya know, just like a typical predator in zee wild.]

Impressive human speed– The average human man jogs at a speed of 8.3 miles per hour. The average woman jogs at 6.5 miles per hour.

What? Ain’t you ever seen lions compete against one another in a 100 meter dash? What about the great white sharks that bet on who can make it to the peninsula first? Epic predator behaviors…

[Exempt are human cripples, human babies, human elderly, human paraplegics, amputees, serial killers in isolation, human blind….ya know, just like any other predator.]

The nails of humans are impressive– The nail functions as a tool, enabling the human to pull out a painful splinter, for scratching ones ass, peeling a label off glass beer bottles & certain scraping actions.

Dang…I’d hate to run into THIS human! {quivers in fear}

[Like ALL natural predators, some humans pay other humans to affix fake nails atop their natural predator nails. They paint them vivid colors, file them, use cuticle cream, and chew on them…ya know, like, ah…lions for instance…erm….]


Yeah, this happened…

These are real predators. Ready to fight to the death over the bloated, rotting carcass of a hippo…where is the breath mint aisle?


Dig Out Your Soul