Top 5 plant horror movies

 

1. The Texas bedstraw massacre

When a blade of bedstraw finds out that the field that it had once grown in is vandalized, it prompts the blade of bedstraw to investigate. Accompanied by an adjoining half-blade of bedstraw, & EVEN more bedstraws, the blade of bedstraw embarks on a mission to get to the bottom of it. After an unfortunate detour to an abandoned field, the bedstraws discover a group of herb crazed, plant murdering societal misfits. As the field of bedstraw is attacked one blade at a time by the scythe-wielding Tuberface, who wears a mask of potato skins, the bedstraws must do everything, & anything that they can to escape.

Only true horror buffs will be able to stomach this one folks…
Be a lot of tears….ya know, hay fever and shit.

2. The Botanist

One of the scariest horror movies ever made! Like, ever! The horrific tale of a young, possessed rutabaga is based loosely on actual events that happened somewhere, during some time, to some other rutabaga. When young Ruti (played by a small rutabaga) starts exhibiting behavior that is odd for a normal root vegetable- [levitating, hissing, tongue wagging, speaking in tongues, growling, projectile barfing), Rudis worried human caregiver desperately seeks a human doctor that can help. The caretaker hits a dead end because Rudi is dismissed as merely being ‘just a rutabaga’….the nerve! The human caretaker then hits a fucking goldmine when she runs into another human plants rights activist, who also just so happens to be a plant priest. His first impression? He thinks the rutabaga is caught in the clutches of Satan himself! The priest sends a formal request to perform an exorcism right on the spot! The church replies ‘what the fuck, Demi? It’s a fucking turnip! Don’t you have some actual living beings that need you??” The priest in incensed, & yet, unwaveringly enlists a cabbage & turnip expert to help him save precious young Rudi from evil.

Folks, this is a real pants crapper.

3. Nightmare of elm trees

In this classic plant slasher film, several Midwestern elm trees fall prey to Freddy Roofer; an oddly proportioned deciduous mangler who preys on elm trees while they dream. Freddy Roofer convinces all the human residents that the elm tree branches are what has been damaging all of their roofs. Freddy gets the go-ahead, & begins to cuts the elm trees down, killing them, while they silently scream, & remain where they are. After a still-standing elm tree investigates (with no eyes, no ears, no nose, no central nervous system) the elm begins to suspect that there must’ve been some dark secret that was kept by the pollen that helped to create them, & it’s that very dark secret that is the key to getting rid of Freddy Roofer. Will the elm, and the elm in closest proximity to the elm solve this puzzle, without any brains, before they too become victims of Freddy Roofer?

Scary stuff, kids.
If you can watch an old tree being cut down without reacting, then, there’s something wrong with ya!

4. The harvesting

A Jack Fruit lands a job as the winter caretaker of an isolated Hotel in the Rocky Mountains. Jack Fruit, an author, hopes for a writer’s block cure. Jack Fruit settles in along with another Jackfruit, & a much younger jackfruit. The youngest jackfruit is plagued by psychic premonitions, which are portrayed in true carnage form; elevators dripping with jackfruit juice, twin-picked from the tree jackfruits with paring knives sticking out of them. As Jack Fruits writing goes completely kablooie, & the young jackfruits visions become more frequent & cray cray, Jack Fruit discovers the hotel itself has deep, dark secrets. Jack Fruits mental Health nose dives, & thusly begins to unravel into a fruiticidal lunatic hell-bent on terrorizing other jackfruits.

Keep the lights on….

&, lastly

5. The science of the yams

Agent Starchy is a top student at the PBI’s training academy. The directors harrowing portrayal of a young sweet potato sent to interview a brilliant psychiatrist yam who is also a maniac with a tayto fetish, serving life behind bars for various acts of spud violence, & tuberribalism. It is believed that the intimidating, & deranged Dr. Tuber could have insight into an ongoing potato peeling case, & that Agent Starchy [a young, attractive spud] will be the perfect bait.

Y’all won’t have any fingernails left when the credits roll….